Sunday, March 31, 2013

High Unemployment Rate In Rockford Due To Volunteerism

Rockford has an unemployment rate of 13.1%. And I think I know why. All the corporations we keep giving tax breaks to in order to create jobs are hiring... volunteers. A company with $122,568,336.00 in assets, paying its executives a healthy salary, plus bonuses, taking every tax incentive in the book from the community, then asking a potential work force with some of the most miserable unemployment numbers in the nation to volunteer, for a shirt and jacket... 

That's Rockford, baby!!!

We have rescue missionsfood pantries, and treatment centers for the mentally ill overrun with those who need help, and The Rockford International Airport thinks their mission of greeting visitors to Rockford, Illinois, takes precedence over all that?

Shame on you.

From the "application"...

"...must work cooperatively and courteously with diverse groups of people; be able to access multiple references in a timely manner in response to customer requests for information; demonstrate oral and interpersonal communication skills, and have the ability to respond calmly in emergency situations. A basic knowledge of the internet or the ability to learn basic computer skills is necessary. The ability to travel to/from the airport in all types of weather conditions is required..."

To paraphrase Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets," seriously, Rockford, the mayor's office, Chamber of Commerce, and Rockford Area Convention and Visitor's Bureau, "Do you have any control over how creepy you get?"

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Rockford, Illinois Is a Slimy Kleptocracy

As the election for mayor approaches on April 9, and aldermen are chosen, you can discern a real political trend in Rockford, Illinois. Nobody seems particularly interested in joining a political party around here. And here's why...

Rockford is a kleptocracy. Political parties require accountability to state and national advisers. Nobody in Rockford really wants those type of people snooping around here. 

Same thing with the media. When Forbes named Rockford it's Third Most Miserable City the town went up for grabs in indignation. Or so we thought. But what really had happened was a few sources did their best to gin the populace up and get them to respond in anger that anyone would even hint that a town with a history of virulent racism, a poor education system, one of the highest unemployment rates in America, an epidemic of obesity, incredible violence, a heroin epidemic, and political corruption should be mentioned by the national media as unpleasant in any way. 

No one wants political parties or national media in Rockford. It has taken generations to set Rockford up as the kleptocracy it has become, and those who are raking in the cash are happy that everyone has given up on Rockford. 

The galling part is that they use a lot of the public funds they receive to try and persuade the locals that everything is happiness and rainbows and that they should accentuate the positive and ignore the men behind the curtain profiting from decay, corruption, and illegality. Of course the national media isn't buying it, but they hardly give a shit after they get their sound bite and story about how fat, stupid, lazy, backwards, and ugly we are. They have no motivation to intervene.

So, we have a kleptocracy that has all but cut Rockford off from the rest of the world. So they can chop and divide it up among themselves. 

Looking good.

And it's a double-edged sword, because we have no politicians who represent us in Springfield or Washington, and because Congress saw fit to carve up our House seats so we have two out-of-towner carpetbaggers "representing" us, we have virtually no one to speak on behalf of our schools, or our economy, and out city on any level. Anyone who studies history knows, when a power vacuum is formed, someone steps in to assume that power. That is exactly what has happened in Rockford. We have shadowy leadership, sweetheart deals, no bid contracts, misplacement and mismanagement of state and federal funds, and law enforcement that seems to be stumped just who and how all this heroin is getting here, being processed, and being shipped out. 

Someday it will be announced the feds were here all along "monitoring," and that either a major heroin ring, or a huge political bust has been announced, but it won't make much difference. The city has been divided up. It's in the bag. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Rockford: A Symbol of Failure

"In the late seventies, city leaders sought a symbolic icon to bridge the economic and cultural division between east and west Rockford. State funding provided financial grants to ensure Rockford's downtown remained the city's center for arts and creative endeavors. The city hired Alexander Liberman to design and build a sculpture that would sustain Rockford's downtown. The sculpture was placed at the corner of State St. and Wyman St. in 1978. Six years later, Symbol was disassembled and moved to Sinnissippi Park. Since 1984, Symbol has been placed along the river, north of downtown Rockford." from

I vaguely remember this and how up in arms everyone was. I don't recall ever hearing anyone say this was a great idea and they felt more civic pride because of it. If anything, the consensus was this enormous monstrosity WAS symbolic, but of the death of Downtown Rockford. I now live a few blocks from where this sculpture used to sit, and a short walk from where it now sits. We never saw it, because like everyone else, we never went Downtown. The only time I ever remember being there as a kid was when we went to my cousin's graduation at The Coronado.

But I'm not here to disrespect the aesthetics of the sculpture, the seemingly oblivious placing of it in the middle of what used to be a busy city street in the heart of the former shopping district, or the expense. 

What really bothers me about Symbol is the same decision making process that still bothers most working artists in Rockford today: they hired someone from out of town to do it. And paid them a lot of money. Then claimed it symbolized partly the thriving art community in Rockford. What an insult.

It happened again just recently when the Nicholas Conservatory hired a muralist from Colorado to paint a mural. That project cost over $50,000 and used public funds, but no Rockford artist was considered to paint it. I find that ridiculous. I personally know a dozen artists who could have done that job just as well, or better. But none of them were contacted. However, when the RACVB or the Chamber of Commerce or City want to promote Rockford they sure do talk up how Downtown is experiencing a Renaissance due in no small part to artists, musicians, and small business owner.

What a slap in the face. 

Saturday, March 16, 2013

In Rockford Less Than Twenty Percent Is Overwhelming Success

Only in Rockford, Illinois, is an approval rating of less than twenty percent thought of as overwhelmingly successful, as the head of The Rockford Area Convention and Visitor's Bureau crowed about their Misery Loves Company campaign, which has many locals infuriated for its pure tone deafness. 

These are the actual results from the Rockford register Star. Anyone who has ever studied statistics knows it's hard to do any worse than this. Adolf Hitler probably would have garnered at least ten percent. In response to to these results the local media... said nothing. They just continued to cheerlead for the campaign by announcing Tshirts were available.

Inability to count, just another reason why Rockford, Illinois will never stop being made fun of.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

And a River Runs Through It.

Here at The Rockford we don't really long for the days of slavery as The Southern Poverty Law Center has claimed. In fact, to our paleo brains slavery isn't nearly far enough. We want to return to the Old Testament. We know rivers were invented by God for a reason, and the reason here in The Rockford is to keep people where God wants them.

One of the most racist, backwards, ignorant, corrupt places in America. And a river runs through it.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Rockford Institute of Paleo-Brained Racists Breathes Collective Sigh of relief That Black Pope Is Not Chosen

The paleo-brained conservatives at the Rockford Institute today breathed a collective sigh of relief when a Black man was NOT chosen Pope.

"We're just barely decent enough to not do it here", the knuckle-draggers said "but we're going to go do some high fives and unleash a bunch of Nwords in the bar," Institute Chairman Sven "Jesus was no Nword" Carlson said. 

The Rockford Institute For Advanced Supplying of Vague Things

Here at Rockford we know a lot of things. We got the brains. We tell people in faraway places what to do while the city crumbles around us. People want to know how we get paid so much to tell people how to do things we are incapable of doing ourselves, but that's a trade secret. We are like vampires among the citizens of The Rockford. Parasites. Leeches. 

We supply things. Don't ask what the things are. In fact, don't ask anything. We are The Rockford. 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

How To Do The Rockford Turnaround

James Rockford is a low rent, ex con private detective. He barely works enough to keep his 1974 Pontiac Firebird. Or 1975 Pontiac as he bought a new one for each year the series was on television, but declined to do so after 1978 because he hated the new design. 

In that Pontiac James Rockford created what famously became known as The Rockford Turnaround, a maneuver he used to avoid anyone following him. 

How to do the Rockford Turnaround

Monday, March 11, 2013

Rocky The Rockford Blog Mascot

On The Rockford Files, James Rockford's father, a retired truck driver named Rocky, was played by actor Noah Beery, Jr. 

Here he is playing chess with his son while Pirates shortstop Mario Mendoza looks on. 

Jim Rockford: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you. 

Joseph 'Rocky' Rockford #2: [Beep] Hi sonny, it's Rocky. I got the bill and I've been trying to figure out what everybody owes on LJ's birthday party. Tell me, did you have the pink lady? 

I bet Jim Rockford didn't have the pink lady? How do I know? 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Welcome To The Rockford Blog

Welcome to the Rockford Blog. A one stop source for all your Rockford needs. You want Rockford, we got Rockford. 

Jim Rockford

You want Rockford poetry? We got Rockford poetry. Let me look around and see if I can find that Rockford poem.

Rockford CSI

An ant crawled 
Into the bottle of Grolsch 
I left on the counter last night 
And drowned like an American 
Tourist in a Dutch brothel. 
I notified the Coroner’s Office 
And they have deemed it 
Death by misadventure 
Though no one is sure 
Who to notify. 

You want fast cars?

We make